My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Boy: “I love you so much, I could never live without you.”
Girl: “Is that you or the beer talking?”
Boy: “It’s me talking to the beer.”

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

Best Jokes

A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

Doctor: I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.
Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
Doctor: Nine.

To see a man’s true face, look to the 
photos he hasn’t posted.

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Oh, yes.”

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

There’s no “I” in denial.

An old man went to the doctor. He had problems with a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid, it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “I can’t do anything about it.”
“That can’t be true!” replied the old man, “You just don’t know what it is”.
“How can you possibly know that I am wrong?” asked the doctor.
“Well it’s simple,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exactly same age!”

A man asks a farmer near a field: Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.
The farmer says: Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

Two grains of sand go through the desert. One to the other: “I have the feeling somebody is watching me.”

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.
The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, “How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?”
The man says, “Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I’m gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home.”

A wise old gentleman retired and he bought a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in a peaceful and silent place. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, everything changed. Three young boys, who were full of joy after they left the school, walked down the gentleman’s street. They were beating almost on every trashcan they met. They did the same thing every other day. The wise old man got an idea and decided to do something about it.
The next afternoon, he went out on the street to meet the young boys. He stopped them and said,
“You kids are a lot of fun. You know, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I’ll give you each a dollar if you‘ll promise to come here every day and do this.”
The kids were so happy to hear this and continued to beat the trashcans.
After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again. But this time he had a sad smile on his face.
“This recession is a bit harsh on me,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers weren’t happy about it, but they accepted his offer and continued their job. A few days later, the old man met them again when they were drumming on the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet. So I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“Only 25 cents?” one of the boys exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, and beat these cans around for 25 cents, you’re silly! No way. We quit!”
And the old man enjoyed peace and calm around his house for the rest of his days.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Secretary: “Doctor, the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” says the husband. “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”
“Well, I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it,” the wife replies.
“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.

Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact.

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: “Hey, I’ve figured it out. I know where we are.”
“Where are we then?”
“Do you see that mountain over there?”
“Yes.”
“Well… THAT’S where we are.”

A security guard has a dream that the jet plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up, he calls his boss at home and tells him. His boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.
The next day, the plane crashes. The boss calls the security guard to his office and gives him a reward – and then fires him. He asks his boss why he’s being let go. The boss replies, “You were sleeping on the job.”

“Grandpa, why don’t you have any life insurance?”
“So you can all be really sad when I die.”

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade. Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Guinevere. The belt contained a miniature guillotine.
Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down. One by one, he went to each knight and shook his head, telling all those whose members were missing to get out of his sight.
That is until he came up to Lancelot. Seeing that Lancelot was intact, he exclaimed, “Now I knew I could count on you to be trusted. Name anything at all and it is yours.”
Lancelot replied “UNGH! UH! UNGH!”

Blonde Jokes

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said: It’s dark in here isn’t it?
The other replied: I don’t know; I can’t see.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!…”

Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
A: She can’t find the eleven.

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
“No!” yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
“For the last time, no!” says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”
The blonde says, “Because I wanna stay up here with you!”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, “Wait, you forgot the remote!”

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.” One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?” “N,” she answered.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions….
Officer: What’s 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

A blonde goes to the doctor’s and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what’s wrong. She replies, “I know who the dad is for one of them but I don’t know who the dad is for the other one!”

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV, it’s a microwave!”

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.” The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

Science Jokes

 
A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.” A blonde student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”

What do scientists say when they go to the bar?
Climate change scientists: “Where’s the ice?”
Seismologists: “Shaken and not stirred.”
Microbiologists: “Just a small one.”
Scientists studying the defective gubernaculum: “Put mine in a highball.”
Social scientists: “I’d like something soft.”

When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, “O MG!”

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

Q: Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.

When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they’re trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

Q: Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist?
A: Because you will get Jurasskicked.

Q: What do clouds do when they become rich?
A: They make it rain!

A neutrino walks into a bar … and keeps going!!

A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, “Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?” The photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

Q: What did the 30 degree angle say to the 90 degree angle?
A: “You think you’re always right!”

Three doctors are out geese-hunting. A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. “I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese.” Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. “I’ll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first.” Some more geese fly over. The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky. “What were those things, anyway?” he asks.

Newton, Pascal and Archimedes are playing hide and seek. Archimedes starts to count, Pascal hides in a bush, and Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it. Archimedes finds Newton first, of course, but Newton replies, “Nope. One Newton on one square meter is equal to one Pascal.”

Q: Why can’t you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

Good Jokes

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”

What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

Why shouldn’t you marry a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them!

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

A man has six children and is very proud of this fact; he even starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice: “Shall we go home now, Mother of Six?”
His wife shouts back: “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Dolphins are so intelligent! Do you know what they can do in few weeks in a dolphinarium? They can train a man to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish three times a day!

A bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing two hikes. They both start running for their lives, but then one of them stops to put on his running shoes.
His friends says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!”
His friend replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear; I only have to outrun you!”

A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence. “My father grows beans,” said one girl. “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy. A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

Little Johnny asks his father:
“Where does the wind come from?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why do dogs bark?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why is the earth round?”
“I don’t know.”
“Does it disturb you that I ask so much?”
“No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.”

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.

This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired. He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000. from non-payers, however he was greedy and hid the money for himself.
It didn’t take long for the mafia bosses to catch on, so they sent a couple of thugs and an interpreter to find the collector. They found him, took him to an abandoned warehouse and the two thugs told the interpreter to ask the collector, “where’s da money?”
The interpreter signed to the collector and the collecter signed back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The interpreter told them what he had said and one of the thugs pulled out a 38 revolver and stuck it in the collector’s ear. He told the interpreter to ask the collector about the money again. The interpreter asked.
The collector signed back, “It’s in a tree stump in Central Park 50 yards east of the main fountain!”
The interpreter tells the thugs, “He said he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about and you don’t have the guts to pull that trigger!”

Women are like telephones. You hold them, and they love it. You talk to them, and they love it.
But press the wrong button, and you are DISCONNECTED.

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

I work out religiously – Christmas and Easter.

Jesus is in heaven. He goes for a walk. He walks along the walls. He hears a voice. It is coming from the other side. It is the voice of an old man.
“Hello? Hello?” says the man.
“Who is it?” asks Jesus.
“Just a poor, old carpenter. I’m looking for my son.”
“Joseph?”
“Pinocchio?”

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

A man goes into a post office one day. A middle-aged bald man is standing at the counter. He is sticking stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He also sprays the envelopes with perfume.
The man goes to the bald man and asks him,
“What are you doing?”
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards. They’re signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?”
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

Corny Jokes

Q: What do you call a cat with no legs?
A: Dogfood.

Déjà MOO – The feeling you’ve heard this BULL before.

Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A: Do-you-think-he-saurus

Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Something smells between us!

Q: What is the difference between girl spaghetti and man spaghetti?
A: Meatballs.

Q: Why was the skiing spark plug in awe?
A: The view was shocking.

Q: How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?
A: When it’s full.

A red and a blue ship have just crashed together in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.

Q: What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner?
A: A cold shoulder.

Q: What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
A: A Hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter!

Q. What does a Mexican cow call his friends?
A. MOO-chacho

If you dress up as a banana and eat a banana is that called canabananalism?

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an Itheberg.

Q: What do you call the opposite of a hot pepper?
A: A little chili!

Q: What is the difference between a dirty bus station and a shrimp with breast implants?
A: One is a crusty bus station, while the other is a busty crustacean.

Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match.

Q: How do you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: He is always coffin.

Q: What streets do ghosts live on?
A: Dead Ends!

Q: Why does the vampire always get picked last?
A: Because he sucks.

Q: Where do fish sleep?
A: In a water bed!

Q: What did the painting say to the wall?
A: I go you covered.

Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
To avoid scenarios like: “Houston, we have a problem!”
“What is the problem?”
“Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!”

Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

I heard women love a man in uniform. Can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, “It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me”. Wish granted.

It is a beautiful morning. Dean comes early into his office… and sees Martin. Martin is kissing his secretary. Dean doesn’t like this. Martin is his employee!
He screams: “Martin, do I pay you for this?”
“No sir, I am doing this for free.”

Q: Which flower talks the most?
A: Tulips, of course, because they have two lips!

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The idiot says, “Okay.” The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?” The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?” The idiot hands over $5.

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

I’d like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?

Q: Where do pencils go for vacation?
A: Pencil-vania.

What would you call a very funny mountain?
Hill Arious

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood when he asked the prisoner,
“What are you charged with?”
“I was doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offence”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn’t find the “10” button.

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

Dad Jokes

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

Waitress: And here’s the check. Is there anything else I can get you?
Dad: Someone to pay the check!?

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
A: You spend too much time on the web.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter said to my Dad: “Are you going to put it up yourself?” Dad replied: “Don’t be disgusting, I’m going to put it in the living room.”

I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said: “You”.

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says “Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says “OK, now what?”

Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!” The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”

After many years, a prisoner is finally released.
He runs around yelling: “I’m free! I’m free!”
A little kid walks up to him and says, “So what? I’m 4.”

Q: What did 0 say to 8?
A: Nice belt!

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body… and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A: Virgin Mobile.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”

“Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. “Och, I look like a pig!”
The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. When he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the table.
“Mind if I have a few?” he asks.
“No, not at all!” the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and when the preacher stands because he wants to leave, he realises that he didn’t eat just a few peanuts but he emptied most of the bowl!
“I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”

Q: Why is quantum mechanics is the original “original hipster”?
A: It described the universe before it was cool.

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody!

They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

A judge enters the court room and starts the proceedings, saying: „Before this process starts in earnest, there is one thing I have to clear first. The plaintiff gave me $ 10,000 so I would rule in their favor. The defendant gave me $ 12,000 so I would rule in their favor. To make this case a fair one, I’m hereby returning $ 2,000 to the defendant.“

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was “Michael”.

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

One night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesús is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesús is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.” Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús.”

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”

Q: Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
A: Because they’re all fake.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: “That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man.” The man, recovering himself, replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the lion saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.

9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ. “NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!” he says. “NaCl over NaOH?” shouts his officer. “What do you mean?” “The base is under a salt!”

3 unwritten rules of life
1)
2)
3)

Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!

Q. What’s the worst thing about being lonely?
A. Playing Frisbee.

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two 
police officers and a psychiatrist.

A patient walks into a doctor’s office.
“Doctor, people ignore me.”
“Next!”

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.” “No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears, “This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison.”

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow, I didn’t know you could yodel!

I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me… That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do?
A: Diddly-squats.

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, “He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?” “No,” replies the wife, “he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie.”

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody…”

What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?
Finds the nearest skyscraper.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
“Oh welcome home darling,” he says, “my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello.”

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: “Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s check book!”

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2017!
Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser.
Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.
Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text.
Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

Q: Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

Two elephants walk in the wilderness and spot a guy peeing at the bushes. One elephant nudges the other, “Man, I wonder how he ever manages to eat anything with that thing!”

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
A: I hear invoices!

A weed scientist goes into a shop. He asks: “Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase? Shopkeeper: “You mean Roundup?” Scientist: “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that dang name.”

A mosquito was heard to complain that chemists had poisoned her brain. The cause of her sorrow sas para-dichloro-diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.”

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'” and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

Q: Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
A: Because they might peel!

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

Yo Mamma Jokes

 
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”

Yo momma is so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.

Yo mamma is so fat she doesn’t need the internet, because she’s already world wide.

Yo momma’s so fat, she wore a black bathing suit to the pool and everyone yelled “oil spill!”

Yo mama is so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application.

Yo Momma’s teeth are so yellow, that when she smiles, traffic slows down!

Yo momma so ugly, she had to get the baby drunk so that she could breastfeed him.

Yo momma is so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo momma is so ashy, every time she rubs her arms it snows.

Your momma is so ugly she made One Direction go another direction.

Yo momma is so fat when she went to KFC the cashier asked, “What size bucket?” and yo momma said, “The one on the roof.”

Yo momma’s so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.

Yo momma is so stupid she brought a spoon to the super bowl.

Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad!

Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, “We are family, even though you’re fatter than me.”

Yo momma’s so fat, that when she went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.

Yo mamma is so fat she walked past the TV and I missed 3 episodes.

Yo momma’s so dumb, when y’all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left,” so she went home.

Yo momma is so stupid when your dad sad it was chilly outside, she ran out the door with a spoon!

Yo momma is so short, you can see her feet on her driver’s license.

Yo mama so fat I tried driving around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.

Yo momma is so fat when she stepped on the scale it read, “Get the hell off me!”

Yo Momma’s so fat when I told her to touch her toes she said, “What are those”?

Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.

Yo momma is so fat when she steps out in a yellow raincoat, the people yell, “TAXI!”

Yo momma is so hairy, when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said, “IT’S CHEWBACCA!”

Yo momma’s so fat, she has more rolls than a bakery.

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, “Sorry, no professionals.”

Yo momma’s so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday!

Yo mamma so stupid she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

Yo momma is so fat she went to church with heels on and when she came back home they were flats.

Yo momma so dumb when I said, “Drinks on the house,” she got a ladder.

Yo momma’s so fat, she tripped over Wal-Mart, stumbled over K-Mart, and landed on Target.

Yo mama so stupid, she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.

Yo mama so dumb she tried to make an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

Yo momma is so poor she went running after the garbage truck with a grocery list.

Yo mama’s so poor that ducks throw bread at her.

Yo momma’s so smelly, that when she spread her legs, I got seasick.

Yo momma so fat when she registered for MySpace there was no space left.

Yo mamma so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.

Yo momma’s so fat, her belt size is “Equator.”

Yo momma’s so ugly, her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on a scale it said, “One person at a time please.”

Yo momma’s so fat that Mount Everest tried to climb her.

Yo mama is so fat on Halloween she threw on a white sheet and went as Antarctica.

Yo mama is so fat that when she takes a shower her feet don’t get wet.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.

Yo Mama is so fat, when she pressed the UP button on the elevator it went DOWN.

Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, “Go back to work!”

Yo mama’s so broke that she couldn’t even pay attention.

Yo’ Mama is so ugly, yo’ daddy takes her to work with him so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo momma’s so fat, when she was floating in the ocean, Spain claimed her for the new world.

Yo mama is so ugly the Terminator said, “I won’t be back.”

Yo mama is so fat when she took her dress to the dry cleaners they said, “Sorry, we don’t do curtains.”

Yo mama is so stupid when the judge said, Order! Order!” she said, “Fries and coke please.”

Yo mama so fat when stepped on a scale she said, “How does it know my credit card number?”